HAVE YOU TRIED EVERY THERAPY OUT THERE AND NONE OF THEM WORK?

Now that you have tried everything, you really are absolutely convinced that there is no hope and all you can do is cope.. But have you tried this?  > Heal inner conflict first!

In my therapy practice, I noticed two distinct types of client that came to me. One was 100% decided that their issue was of no benefit to them whatsoever, and they were going to do whatever it took to replace it with something that served them well. 

The second type was also of course desperate for healing, but there was a certain amount of doubt about letting go of the problem, or embracing the solution. On the one hand they wanted rid of the problem, but on the other hand they wanted to keep it. They were conflicted. 

The first group embraced all the therapeutic techniques and made rapid progress. The second group needed help to get to the 100% committed stage of the first group, before they could heal. 

A  conflicted client may express a concern that they have been worrying and trying to avoid a certain something going wrong for years without it happening, so they think ‘What if I stop worrying and then it happens, I can’t risk that. Maybe it’s working.’ An analysis of all the downsides of worrying usually confirms that the level of protection the worrying has given them, still hasn’t made their life truly worth living. 

A conflicted client with a phobia of buttons declared that the fear was non-negotiable because buttons were obviously dangerous and they would forget to avoid them if they weren’t afraid. Of course that is the fear talking, and it will keep saying that until you have changed the programming. To reprogram a phobia you first need to accept that the level of fear is excessive and convince yourself it’s safe to reduce that. You can’t keep the fear and simultaneously have all the benefits of not having the fear. If you really want to cure the phobia, you need to choose to let go of the disabling fear. It is also important to take back control and accept that the buttons do not need to stop being scary, but the phobic person needs to stop being so scared of the buttons. A 100% committed client would say “ I don’t want to feel this level of fear about x, it really isn’t such a big deal.”

Another example of having an inner conflict is when fear of failure dilutes your desire to follow your passion. The more important the dream, the more disappointed, embarrassed, worthless you will feel if you fail. To avoid failure, there is a strong motivation to pull back, inaction, hesitancy. The ironic truth is that you have chosen to fail before you have even begun. 

If I put the conflicted clients through the healing techniques, their doubting part would  usually sabotage the work.  I learnt that through experience. They would go through the whole process but resist the change at the last minute. In a way I was pleased about that as it proves that the healing is not done by the therapist, but by the client. You are in control. The therapist is just the guide. The client can choose to follow or not. 

I knew that with these clients the first step was to help them get to the 100%  committed stage, so they could heal themselves easily. It also occurs to me that these clients were the more determined ones. The ‘not wanting to’ part would want to sabotage any attempt at booking a therapy session or arriving at the appointment ! 

Here is a simple process of inner reflection that can help you to resolve an inner conflict and commit wholeheartedly to a change that you want to make. 

INNER REFLECTION TO RESOLVE CONFLICTED INTENTIONS

1. Identify the conflict – your opposing intentions. What is the ‘positive change’ that one part of you wants to make? Be aware of the ‘not wanting to do that’ part.
2. Find a quiet time when you will be undisturbed, and sit with your palms facing up as if holding something. Breathe calmly for a few minutes. 
3. Imagine that in your right hand is the ‘desired change’ part, and in the left hand is the ‘not wanting to do that’ part.
4. Ask the  left hand part ‘What are your highest intentions for self? What will that do or get for self?  What else?  Keep asking until there is nothing else. 
5. Now ask the same questions to the right hand part, until there is nothing else coming to mind.
6. Look for the common ground. Do the opposing parts have some shared intentions/functions for self? This is also a frank discussion to appreciate each side’s point of view. 
7. Once you have identified common intentions for self, have an inner negotiation between the two parts to agree on a better way forward to achieve those shared goals. Will the resistant part agree to stop objecting and support the desired change? Can you find a win- win approach that keeps both sides happy. Resolve the conflict and agree to work together for the good of self as a whole.
8. At the end of this exercise, bring your hands together and imagine the two parts merging together again as one integrated whole working together in harmony. 

Now that you have removed resistance to change, there are endless new opportunities open to you. There are many different healing modalities out there. Find the one that suits you and go for it 100% .